It started with a complaint. “I hate it how therapists always say that you need to love yourself, but they never explain how to do that”
Loving yourself is important for personal growth, for being an effective change maker, and if everyone did it hate and violence would be close to non-existent. But most importantly, loving yourself is important for you. Because you matter.
Here's how to do it.
The 5 Love Languages
Treat yourself like you’d treat your best friend- I’ll take it a step further and say life partner.
You are with yourself the rest of your life for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part. If you are with yourself that long you may as well promise to love and cherish yourself.
But how would you love a life partner? Enter the 5 love languages- a simple and popular strategy to improve relationships.
1. Words of Affirmation
This is positive self talk. When you think about yourself or a situation you're in, how do you speak to yourself?
When speaking to yourself:
Do’s Dont's
-Validation -Gaslighting
-Acknowledgment -Minimizing
-Sincere compliments -Belittling
-Offensive sarcasm
Validation
Instead of: “Why am I so sad?”
Say: “I’m sad right now, and that makes sense given what’s happened.”
Or: “I don’t need a reason to be sad.”
“I did a really good job handling that difficult situation at work!”
“I made really great progress the past 6 months!”
This includes gratitude! Thank yourself for doing things that help you.
Compliments
Compliments can be a great way to intentionally shift your thinking. The best compliments have the following qualities:
-Compliment yourself about something you chose.
-Compliment something specific.
-Compliments must be sincere.
-Compliment without expectations.
Stuck on what to compliment yourself about? Here's some topics:
Interests: This is something that you find fun or know a lot about.
Skills: This is something you took time to practice and develop.
Actions: This is something you did.
Don’t compliment yourself so you can cross-off an item on a personal growth checklist. Compliment yourself sincerely. Complimenting yourself about your physical features can feel great, but make sure you’re also complimenting yourself in areas outside physical features as well.
Love Letters
Write a love letter to yourself. Write it in the same way as if you were writing a love letter to an intimate partner, but write it about yourself. If you've never written a love letter before and are unsure what to write, here are some suggestions:
-Write what you love about yourself. These can be qualities relating to how you look physically, personality traits, or personal strengths.
-Write sincere compliments.
-Write a love poem.
-Write about some good memories you had. Think of memories where you were alone or were the center of it, versus memories about other people.
-Write about why you matter to you.
2. Acts of Service
This is doing things for yourself to make your life better. Acts of service are thought of as things that reduce your burden and ease your stress.
That means:
Taking a shower
Feeding yourself
Doing what the doctor recommended
Doing something boring in order to achieve a an important goal
EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO
These are things that will genuinely improve your life once you get through it.
3. Gifts
Gifts can be buying presents for yourself. If you want to budget smart or fight impulse spending, going with a meaningful, low-cost option might be the best route. Here's some examples:
Anything hand made- art, practical DIY items, etc.
Playlists of music.
A new or fancy food at the grocery store.
You can also make a wish list for when someone gives you a gift card! A strategy that helps me is waiting to buy something until it’s been on the list for six months- that way I know it’s something I really want.
4. Quality Time
This is giving yourself your undivided attention.
The simplest form of it is downtime. And having it scheduled- not revenge bedtime procrastination.
Schedule dates with yourself. Imagine what you would do to take someone out on a date. What you do might depend on what the person is interested in. Maybe you’d grab a coffee and take a walk in the park, or go on a hike, or go to a goth dance club. Now imagine taking yourself out on a date. What are you interested in?
5. Physical Touch
This can include:
-exercise
-stretching
-yoga
-self-massages
-clothing that feels nice
-shower products that feel nice
-controlling temperature with clothing or using air conditioning or heating
-self-hugs
-self-cuddling
-masturbation
Quick Tips
Butterfly Hug
The main portion is tapping with your hands in an alternating fashion, slowly and gently.
There's a few different ways to do this. You can cross your hands together, like a butterfly shadow puppet and place them on your chest just below your neck, you can cross your arms in a hug and tap your shoulders or sides, or you can place your arms on your knees or legs.
Squeeze Hug
To do the Squeeze Hug, cross your arms and put a hand on each arm above the elbow, and you squeeze your arm with your hands. Place your thumbs wherever it feels most comfortable. You want it to feel like you’re giving yourself a hug. While you do this, relax your back, maybe by leaning back in your chair, and breathe deeply using your diaphragm. You might find it’s helpful for you to do a short squeeze on the inhale and releasing on the exhale, or you might find that squeezing for longer is helpful. Notice how you feel in your body.
Masturbation
Self love might mean masturbating in a more enjoyable way. It can also mean working through any related addictions, like porn.
That's the end of the 5 Love Languages! But that's not all you can do to love yourself.
6. Learn About Yourself
You’ve probably seen “take a bubble bath” on a few hundred self care therapy worksheets.
But a bubble bath isn’t really self care if you don’t like bubble baths.
What do you like?
When you’re upset, what helps you calm down?
What do you like to do for fun? (outside the context of addiction)
And deeper than that, who are you as a person? Having a strong sense of identity can help you be more resilient.
7. Sitting With Your Pain
Self hate has the advantage of distancing yourself from pain.
To paraphrase what Dr.K from Healthy Gamer GG once said: “If you believe you don’t deserve love, then you can never feel the pain of rejection.”
I’ll add:
If you believe that you’re a lazy piece of shit, then you can never feel the pain of living in a capitalist dystopia.
If you believe that you are a horrible person and deserve to be punished, then you can never feel the pain of injustice.
If you believe that you are responsible for every bad thing that’s happened to you, then you can never feel the pain of things outside your control.
When the majority of people are oppressed by systems that are harmful, self-love is a political stance.
This concludes the steps you can take to get on track to loving yourself.
Self-love is one of the most important steps to a safer world.
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